'But I'm a great listener!' Are you? Because you're willing to sit quietly in exchange for the chance to be in the proximity of a pretty girl (and spend every second imagining how soft her skin must be)? Well, guess what, there's another guy in her life who also knows how to do that, and he can play the guitar. There's a witty, handsome guy with a promising career ready to step in and operate.ĭoes that break your heart? OK, so now what? Are you going to mope about it, or are you going to learn how to do surgery? It's up to you, but don't complain about how girls fall for jerks they fall for those jerks because those jerks have other things they can offer. I'm sorry, I know that this is hard to hear, but if all you can do is list a bunch of faults you don't have, then back the fuck away from the patient. 'Well, I'm not sexist or racist or greedy or shallow or abusive! Not like those other douchebags!' My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so. If you found that difficult, well, this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. But here's the catch - you're not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I'm a nice guy, I'm honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts). Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room.

So you don't feel like you wasted your click, here's a picture of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf.įor the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. You're doing a great job, we're all proud of you. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. LET'S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS.įeel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you're thrilled with your life, and you're happy with your relationships.

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